5/20/2005

Deadly Threat to Humanity Eliminated...

I couldn't sleep. I rolled over, snuggled against Maggie, the Schnauzer, and tried to got back to sleep.

In my quasi-dream I smelled something...something familiar....Something...

Oh, God! The dog farted, right in my face!

Arg!!!

Ever wonder why dogs farts don't make a sound? I mean, you hardly ever hear a dog fart. You smell them, sure, but there's hardly ever a sound. There's just no early warning system.

We don't know what amounts of dog gas escape unnoticed and unheard.

I picked Ben up from school one day and he said, "Mom, I learned something today...Finally. People fart all the time. Gas is always escaping their bodies, even if they don't know it...it just leaks out!"

Dogs, too. Silent but deadly. Church house creepers. It's like carbon monoxide, only smellier most of the time.

I could've died in my sleep this morning...It was that powerful!

How many people wake up dead and all because they slept with deadly fart dogs?

I'm thinking of inventing a dog gasometer...I may expand it to humans, but I think this would basically be pointless...Humans are proud of their farts, at least most of the male ones are...Bet Big Dawg, Hairless Go-rilla is...He's just like that...But I digress. My Ex was. Of course there were the times when he'd say..."What? I didn't do that! I was asleep! I didn't know!" Puh-leeze! A fart that deadly? You knew!

Anyway, I'll patent the Dawg Gas Alert.

I could win the Pulitzer...okay, the Nobel Peace Prize...for service to humanity. No more puzzled coroners wondering what killed the sweet old lady with the ancient chihuahua.

Yep...Dog farts. Think about it. A public menace or doggie revenge? You be the judge.

1 comment:

Nancy said...

Oh, Big Dawg, you are so right! Maggie does love me! (Now the Ex...that is another story!) You are so lucky to have Julia and she is totally lucky to have you! And I will call soon! love, Nancy