5/20/2005

Deadly Threat to Humanity Eliminated...

I couldn't sleep. I rolled over, snuggled against Maggie, the Schnauzer, and tried to got back to sleep.

In my quasi-dream I smelled something...something familiar....Something...

Oh, God! The dog farted, right in my face!

Arg!!!

Ever wonder why dogs farts don't make a sound? I mean, you hardly ever hear a dog fart. You smell them, sure, but there's hardly ever a sound. There's just no early warning system.

We don't know what amounts of dog gas escape unnoticed and unheard.

I picked Ben up from school one day and he said, "Mom, I learned something today...Finally. People fart all the time. Gas is always escaping their bodies, even if they don't know it...it just leaks out!"

Dogs, too. Silent but deadly. Church house creepers. It's like carbon monoxide, only smellier most of the time.

I could've died in my sleep this morning...It was that powerful!

How many people wake up dead and all because they slept with deadly fart dogs?

I'm thinking of inventing a dog gasometer...I may expand it to humans, but I think this would basically be pointless...Humans are proud of their farts, at least most of the male ones are...Bet Big Dawg, Hairless Go-rilla is...He's just like that...But I digress. My Ex was. Of course there were the times when he'd say..."What? I didn't do that! I was asleep! I didn't know!" Puh-leeze! A fart that deadly? You knew!

Anyway, I'll patent the Dawg Gas Alert.

I could win the Pulitzer...okay, the Nobel Peace Prize...for service to humanity. No more puzzled coroners wondering what killed the sweet old lady with the ancient chihuahua.

Yep...Dog farts. Think about it. A public menace or doggie revenge? You be the judge.

5 comments:

BIGDAWG said...

Unfortunately you are way too late...that device was created many moons ago. It's name is JULIA, and it knows me so well, that it can predict the oncoming (and sometimes , planned) expression of love....that's why your dog farts in your face, because he loves you.

BIGDAWG said...

By the way, since I have no idea as to how to get in touch and have a real conversation, feel free if you get a hankerin' to pick up the phone.

770.785.7745

Nancy said...

Oh, Big Dawg, you are so right! Maggie does love me! (Now the Ex...that is another story!) You are so lucky to have Julia and she is totally lucky to have you! And I will call soon! love, Nancy

BIGDAWG said...

See this? It's a smile

danawales said...

Lol so glad I am a cat lover they never seem to fart although the litter box right next to the bedroom does tell me when they ate off the kitchen counter.
Dana