5/26/2005

Thank God for Oprah...I think...

I have discovered, thanks to Oprah's continuing mission to bring much needed education to the unenlightened woman, that I have a defect. My arms, at least the portions from my shoulders to my elbows, are too short.

Hideous, no?

I mean, how can I go on? I have to revamp my entire way of looking at my body to accomodate this latest piece of information.

You see, Oprah was doing this show on how to buy a properly fitted bra. Quite necessary information, I thought, so I tuned in. Thank God I did! I arrived just as the expert said, "When you turn sideways and look at your profile in the mirror, you want your breasts to be located halfway between your shoulders and your elbows."

Ben was also watching. I have no idea why...maybe he thought they were going to show naked breasts. After all, he is 14. Maybe he thought he would need this information someday, so he could judge the women in his future by this standard. Or...and I really think this is a stretch...he was trying to be more female-sensitive in an effort to be non-gender biased. Yeah, right. Anyway, I digress...

Disregarding my son's presence, I walked straight over to the mirror and turned sideways. It was a huge relief...there they were, right on target.

Of course, merely fitting in has never been enough for me...Oh, no...I had to beg the question...

Later, when Ben was long gone and I was getting changed, I took off my bra and turned sideways again.

That's when I came to the horrible realization that my arms are too short.

Obviously.

There's nothing wrong with The Girls.

I mean, I'm not a large breasted woman. We're talking a B cup. And the "perky" part, that's still there. But it seems as if the bottom's falling out!

No, that is completely unacceptable. That leaves me with only one true option...

I've gone through life with short arms and never been aware of this...this...glitch in my anatomical system.

Oh well, I suppose I'll learn to live with it.

After all, things could be worse...I mean, it's not as if my breasts are sagging or anything!

7 comments:

BIGDAWG said...

Guess I could use that excuse as well...

MY LEGS ARE TOO LONG!!!!

Anonymous said...

nancy, so happy to find you! (sorry about that whole sagging thing...) i'd love to reconnect with you, but can't find an email for you. if you want, email me--kelley.ragland@stmartins.com

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