1/28/2007

Day 7- Becoming the Woman I am, not the Bitch I've Become

The saga continues:

I have this friend, Margo, and she has some very wise things to say on the subject of Becoming. Hopefully, I can paraphrase her without getting too much of this wrong- but Margo says basically- Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are you. It's a process, with two steps forward and a slide backward at times. She says it's best to work on one intention at a time and MEAN IT. This means- WORK REALLY HARD AT IT.

She finds it impossible to do a complete revamp of your life with full energy and be able to sustain the momentum. She is quite right! Hell, in one week I've had my bitch on 3 or 4 out of 7 days.

Which, granted, is an improvement- but it is not exactly Rome either.

Expect your intentions to work, yes, Margo says, but put in the elbow grease to make them happen.

Amen, Sister!

She says it's hard to change lifelong thought processes. Absolutely true. I have found this week that I will eat a hell of a lot of shit to avoid conflict when deep down inside I would like nothing better than to bitch slap the holy hell out of whomever is standing on my last nerve. I would like to defend my position. I would like to say what I'm thinking. And most of the time I don't...especially if I think it will lead to yelling and screaming instead of resolution and compromise.

I have learned well not to say things in anger because I know too well how deeply they scar. Insults hurled in anger only tarnish love. They never help to change behavior.

Encouragement helps. Praising peoples' efforts helps. Constant criticism doesn't.

So if I take that principle and apply it to my own world, I find it better to try and "be the change I wish to see in the universe." I will lead with kindness and expect kindness to be returned. People usually try to live up to the expectations of those they love.

With the Unnamed Ones I do this by treating them with respect and modeling the behaviors I want them to adopt. I got this from Dad. He went about his life, ministering to others, caring for us above and beyond what most parents would do, and he didn't try to inflict his way of doing things on us unless he absolutely had to.

It took awhile...but eventually I began to walk along the path he left for us. I have a long way to go, but I intend to try and let go of the anger and hurt that get in the way of truly loving others.

As Margo says, no one can make you feel anything- you do that. Likewise, you can't change anybody's way of being- you can only change yourself.

So I'm working on it.

And Margo- here's Intention Number One- I am being mindful of my need to create and write by focusing on it and giving it the time it deserves. I am writing a wonderful novel, with rich, vibrant characters and an amazing plot. I am working hard on this every day. This much I have control over. This I can do.

In the meantime- it has been four months since Dad died and I thought I was doing pretty well with it...Until today, the day after that 4 month anniversary. Today I heard the song "Keep on the Sunny Side," remembered the last time I heard it was with him and lost my total shit.

I love him swell, I do. And I miss him so bad!

2 comments:

Heather said...

Hi Nancy..
So I guess all we can do is take it slowly and work on the changes that really mean the most to us. I think that is pretty good advice..it isn't going to happen all at once but if we work at it, we'll definitely get there eventually and better that much better for having done it.

And I do know how hard those little anniversaries are. Strangely, it was always the days just after, when you have let your guard down, that hurt the most. I know it doesn't sound possible but there will be a time when hearing those songs that remind you of him doesn't hurt quite so much. That pain never completely goes away but it does lessen in it's intensity after a while. But honestly, I still can't hear the song "Butterfly Kisses" without crying. That was the song I was supposed to dance to with my dad at my wedding.

So just hang in there and don't fight the tears...I strongly believe they really are good for us.

Billy The Blogging Poet said...

But Nancy, some of us love the bitch you've become, could we love the woman you are even more?