If I Only Had A Brain...

Okay, this happens to me...

I have known, since this summer, that I am the keynote speaker for the Greensboro YMCA's annual meeting/fundraising event. It's a luncheon, today at noon in the Empire Club and tickets are $30 a head...To hear me, a person without one single thought in her head!

Not one word.

Not one syllable.

This always happens. I drive toward the engagement, feeling very UN-funny, without a word in my head, sick at my stomach, dying really...and then something takes over. Something that bypasses my brain and comes straight out of my mouth. People laugh hysterically, because when I am terrified, I apparently get real funny...But later, I couldn't tell you one word of what I said...With the possible exception of the American Businesswomen's Regional Conference. I ducked into the ladies' room just before I went on and saw in the full-length mirror that my pants were WAY too short.

And that is what I talked about for most of my speech. They laughed until ice tea spewed out their noses and I don't remember a bit of it...other than I explained that when your ass increases, your pants shrink north.

That is not funny.

20 minutes. I haven't spoken in public for almost a year. I am having a nervous breakdown! I am just a wreck!

My luck, I'll step up to the podium, look out at the crowd and start telling them about Dad and the Naked Guy. I won't remember that the Y's mission is the empowerment of women and the end of racism.

However, and not to digress, last night was Wednesday and I was totally empowered. We whipped the little whippersnappers butts by a good 800 points...not that I'm bragging, not that I would wish to deliver such a crushing blow to such innocent children...but then I whipped 'em in Tribond too...I'm just reporting, not bragging...bragging would negatively affect my Karma and piss of the universe making future victory impossible.

I'm just going to take some deep, cleansing breaths now and hope that somewhere out there, my brain has been turned into the lost and found and will be returned to me before noon today.

There will be a reward, of course...won't be money on account of the alimony suddenly vanishing and old people work not paying a whole lot...but it will be a reward...I'm thinking, I don't know...homemade chocolate chip cookies?

If my brain does not return however, I will gladly accept the loan of Kim's brain and verbal talents...especially when faced with David Sedaris! (See Oct. 7th's I Came, I Saw, I Choked) We are truly sisters separated at birth.