Heads of Technology

The Eldest Unnamed One and I have a new hobby. It's called "Fix Mertis's Computer."

We play it for hours. We have become obsessed by it. Worst of all, I turned him onto it and now he's a little junkie.

See, it's like this. Mertis, despite having once been appointed Head of Technology at the P.D, knows nothing about computers or technology. Hell, Mertis hasn't found anything new of value since Disco came onto the scene.

Don't get me wrong, Mertis is a wonderful, down-to-earth woman, but let's face it, she don't know shit about no computers. And she likes Enya.

I would personally rather open a vein than listen to Enya. Her music sounds like like whales dying or having sex (depends on whether it's a "happy" song or not) so I think Mertis having an affinity for this music is probably why she can't handle technology. Listening to Enya has addlepated that part of Mertis's brain.

Anyway, Mertis's Toshiba Satellite P25S52..whatever, died and Mertis, in a fit of Mertis mania, ordered a Dell. It's like the second time the thing's crashed, but still, before it's even diagnosed, she orders a Dell! Of course, I agree with her, the Toshiba is shit. We both had the same computer and I ordered my Dell last year and will never again even touch a Toshiba anything ...except of course, for Mertis's dead Toshiba.

I just had to say..."Let me look at it."

The thing turns on. The Windows screen comes up and then...it just won't finish loading, or if it does, it won't run, or if it tries to run it moves slower than molasses.

It's a machine. I can't let a machine defeat me! So I turn on my Dell, look up what's wrong with the Toshiba and proceed to delve deeper and deeper into the underbelly of computer repair for dummies.

I get the thing to boot to the command prompt. This gives me a surge of confidence. I just don't know what booting to the command prompt will do for me since I don't know any commands to prompt.

So I research some more. I get a list of commands. I don't know what they mean either, but I feel I'm on the track of something.

Suddenly, two days have gone by. The immaculate at Thanksgiving house is now totaled and the Unnamed Others are demanding I either feed them or go to the grocery store.

I tell them, "Wait a minute."

I type, "cd c:\windows\system32"

When it then goes to Windows\System32, I am freaking amazed.

Two days later, I still don't know what that means but I think if I can just get some of the start up programs to not start up or the drivers to register or salute or tell me they need to roll over, I'll be a genius and the computer will work again.

Mertis says "It has a 3 year warranty at Best Buy. Just let me take it in. The boys are starting to look pale and weak."

I look up from her laptop, bleary-eyed, and say, "You can't take it now! I've almost got it!" I look back down at the black screen, type "devmgmr_show_details=1" and wait for a response.

I realize Mertis is still standing there, waiting for a response from me, so I say, "I'll cook dinner in just a minute."

A day later, the Eldest Unnamed One has learned how to cook and how to defrost things in the freezer until they resemble ingredients for meals. The Unnamed Ones are fed and out of guilt, because she has brought this plague upon our house, Mertis has done the dishes.

Then the Eldest makes the fatal flaw. "Let me see that," he says, like he's the King of Technology and a miracle healer to boot (no pun intended.)

It has been two days now. The Eldest is now here with me, doing his homework with one hand and re-booting the Mertis Toshiba with the other. I say, "Hon, it's after 11. You've gotta go to bed."

He looks up at me with bloodshot eyes and a maniacal grin. "Wait a minute," he says. "I just gotta try this one last thing."