Random Acts of Contrition Amongst the Computer Droppings

I must've stepped in cosmic doo-doo. My computer crashed and it's been 24 hours of struggling to get it back so I can even get online. I think you just don't "get" how dependent you are on a machine until it malfunctions.

Oh, well. One day the printer and all the other hardware will once again recognize me...

It's nice to know, however, that the human beings in my life aren't always as fickle as my computer.

I had lunch with an old friend today. I hadn't seen him in years and wasn't really looking forward to seeing him again but he was so damned persistent about it! Over the years, I'd allowed my view of our friendship to be colored by a jealous boyfriend, until at last I convinced myself Sam hadn't really been a friend of mine at all. I thought I'd been a fool to even think I'd mattered to him at all.

I am ashamed to say, I even suspected his motivation for asking me to have coffee with him.

But then, I once thought I was such a bad judge of character I decided to let my dog pick my next boyfriend. (No joke, I did that.) So when the potential boyfriend arrived for the date, he was carrying a steak for our cookout. Of course the dog loved him. So, I wound up marrying the guy- my now-Ex-husband.

Something tells me I should've trusted my own instincts all along because just like the dog-boyfriend incident, not trusting my instincts about Sam led me astray.

Furthermore, I listened to another man and took his word over my own inner belief.

Two lessons learned.

Sam, it turns out, wanted to tell me how much my friendship had meant to him and that while he'd never told me at the time, he did truly value our relationship more than he let on. (Not THAT way, but as a platonic friendship!) He said it had been on his mind for awhile and when he heard Dad had died, he was even more determined to say how he felt and that he was sorry for not being around more.

Hel-lo? I was the one who dropped the ball, not him.

He told me about a hard time he'd been through and how a piece of advice I'd given him once really helped him get through that patch of rough road. He said when he'd had the opportunity to help others, he'd used my advice and felt it always helped. "So I wanted to let you know, if you never thought you mattered, or helped others, you did and you do."

I don't think Sam will ever know how much those words meant.

Since Dad died I do wonder why we're all here and what, if anything, we mean to others. Are we just like shift-workers, signing in for our time on Earth only to clock out and vanish for all time? Or do our lives have some higher meaning? I have no idea, but I do know Sam's kindness left its mark on my heart.

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